I’ve always been afraid of dying. Which is so strange, because its like being afraid of sunrises or sunsets. They are inevitable and might lead to something beautiful, and yet.
However today, I’m feeling a different kind of fear. Or maybe heartache. The fear of having the people I love leave me forever. As in, dying. I miss my dad. Today is his third death anniversary. People say that time heals everything. You might be left with a scar, but the pain becomes a phantom pain or even a non existent one.
But what if that isn’t true? What if the pain never actually goes and the tears are always there and with each year you miss the one you love and lost even more? At least that’s how I feel. Every milestone I achieve, every difficulty I face, every time I am hurt, every time I feel immense joy, in almost every thought, he is there. I miss him so much. I have songs that can trigger tears. Places that can trigger tears. Even smells, the aftershave he used to put, the drinks he liked, so many triggers.
The only thing that becomes easier with time is to pretend that it doesn’t hurt anymore. That you have been healed because you are going through life. It becomes necessary to wake up with a smile and a purpose every morning, because I realised, just like I depended on my dad, my daughter depends on me. And then, what if my dad is somewhere around in essence? He wouldn’t want me to completely break down right? He would want to see me grow into old age and have no regrets, right?