Does it get better, ever?
Its strange, I shouldn’t be feeling this broken
Because I had left you long time back
When I left home to study, to work, to get married and have a child
You were always there though
Making sure I was alright, making sure I had someone to count on
Its strange, I shouldn’t be feeling this lost
Because we fought so much
I loved you so much, but I also hated you, your habits
The alcohol and the cigarettes that you called your crutches
The things you called your best friends, the things that took you away from me
I hated you, and I hated myself for being a hypocrite
Because I smoked and drank too, just like you
Only, I wasn’t as honest as you
And yet, I yelled at you, became righteous with you, about your habits
When I was secretly living the same
What a hypocrite, what right do I have to miss you now?
What right do I have to say, I love you now?
When I couldn’t say it enough when it mattered?
Its strange, I shouldn’t be missing you this much now
Its so easy to fall back into the grind of life
To pretend that you haven’t gone at all
After all, these last few years, we hardly spoke, did we?
You had your problems, old age, addiction and a really bad hearing
And I had my problems, a job, friends and addictions of my own
I always said I didn’t have the patience to talk to you
And you were always kind, or maybe you just couldn’t hear my harsh words
But now that you’re gone forever
Now that I have burned your body and turned it to ashes
Now that I know you are finally free
Living your fantasy
Away from the million responsibilities and expectations
Away from the blinding pain that you suffered with a smile for us
I want to be selfish and call you back
To suffer more
Just so, I could have you around, selfish me
Now, even if I wish for a miracle,
I can never hear your thundering voice again
I can never hold your large, soft hands again
I can never touch your freshly shaved cheeks again
I can never see that cheeky smile in action again
Or do that groovy dance to Abba’s songs with you again
I can never give you a hug and say I’m sorry for all the harsh words and for all the times I left you alone
I can never look into your eyes and say I love you again
Because now, my darling papa, my dearest papa
All I have left of you are
Just memories and pictures 😦
Copyright @Prachi Pati
Starry Eyed Enigma 